It’s the first week of October. My favorite football team is looking like the best in the league by most accounts. My keeper fantasy squad is showing promise, not only this year, but for years to come. This is the best time of the year weather-wise in San Diego; the average high temperature ranges from 71-74 degrees and the forecast fluctuates between mostly sunny and sunny. But the thing I’m looking forward to most: The start of the NBA Season.
This has to be the most anticipated season ever. Think about all the storylines. The new big three in Miami. Carmelo doing everything he can to force a trade without blatantly asking for one. Shaq Diesel signing with Boston and refusing to walk off into the sunset. The new big three in Miami. Kobe and Phil reloading and going for another three-peat. Kevin Durant coming off the most impressive individual performance since Jamie Foxx in Ray at the Worlds this summer. The new big three in Miami. Seeing if Amare can rekindle the magic with D’Antoni but without Steve Nash (I’m not optimistic). Trying to figure out what is going on inside Maverick Carter’s head. Ron Artest possibly understanding what constitutes an European country. (Artest says that the entire Spurs team is made up of European players. Actual European players on the Spurs roster: 1.) The new big three in Miami. Russian Millionaire Prokhorov throwing money into the Nets franchise. Next year’s lockout looming over everything. And, in case you spaced out the first few times: the new big three in Miami.
Really, the Miami Heat are going to be like nothing we have ever seen. And I’m not talking about their actual on-court play. Sure that’s going to be fantastic television, but I’m talking more about the hype that surrounds them. What percentage of their games this year are going to be the top story on SportsCenter? 85%? 90%? I don’t care if it’s a midweek 50 point blowout in Minnesota. There’s going to have to be another Tiger Woods-Escalade-level news story to push it past the first commercial break. And I’ll sit on my couch in amazement watching every highlight.
When Lebron first announced he was taking his talents to South Beach, the majority of people believed that he was going to play second star to Dwayne Wade. Wade’s been there for 7 years. He already won a title there. And he’s been the best player in any sport in Miami since Dan Marino. As the summer has gone on, I realized that initial belief isn’t true. While Lebron may play second option to Wade, he’s not going to be a second star to anyone.
In the four months since The Decision, Lebron has transformed into the most polarizing figure in the sports. He’s a villain now. Think about that. In one summer, he went from the most popular, most beloved, most commercially viable NBA player since Jordan to an absolute villain. And he didn’t cheat on his wife, use steroids, punch a fan, or use the race card (Oh wait...never mind about that last one.) It all came down to two things: 1) He has the worst PR team of any public figure ever and 2) He began to refer to himself in the third person (the same reason I never respected Ricky Henderson).
Part of me hopes that he embraces his new role. I don’t understand why no one ever does this. (Bill Simmons first pointed this out about Tiger) Just channel his inner Kenny Powers and say, “F#$% it, you guys all hate me. That’s fine. I’m rich and better at basketball than you are at anything. Why the hell would I care what you think of me?” And really, his PR team seems to be bad enough that they might actually suggest this for him. I mean, his manager was not only sitting right beside him when Lebron played the race card last week, he actually elaborated on it for him. But eventually, someone will get to him (by someone, I mean David Stern) and explain how much money he will be losing in possible endorsements and Lebron will start the long path the public redemption. And that’s why I’m here. To make a guide for Lebron to follow as he tries to reach salvation from third-person-itis.
There are four steps:
1) Save the dunk contest. Lebron has said he would enter in the past but has backed out when the time came to submit his name. The main reason: He jumps too powerfully to do tricks. Visual proof of what I mean:
If he tries to do a 360, he’ll hit his head off the rim by the time he gets to 180. But there are ways to use this to your advantage in a dunk contest. Here’s what I would do if I was 6’9, 260 pounds, and could jump like Lebron.
Dunk 1 - The windmill of all windmills - He’ll have the advantage of hype going into his first dunk, so he can afford to do a relatively simple dunk, as long as he does it well.
Dunk 2 - Steal Dwight Howard’s “High Hoop” dunk - Howard raised the hoop to 12 feet in his second dunk contest. It was a great idea. The problem was that, even at 12 feet, it was too easy for him. It just didn’t look that impressive. So Lebron has to practice this ahead of time to find out the perfect height (the height that he has to stretch every muscle to reach).
Dunk 3 - Foul Line Dunk - And by this, I mean an actual foul line dunk. Not from a foot inside the line, not with your toe on the line, but leaving the ground without touching any of the paint. You know Lebron can do this with ease if he gets a running start.
Dunk 4 - Dunk over a life-size cardboard cut-out of Charles Barkley - He would have to play up the drama. Talk trash with Barkley after his first few dunks. Have a sheet covering the cut-out as he brings it on the court and have Barkley’s fave five friend, Wade, remove it as Lebron gets ready. You can’t tell me that TNT wouldn’t eat this up.
2) Accept the facilitator role and try for a triple double average. Lebron’s game is closer to Magic Johnson than Kobe Bryant. He was only asked to be a dominant scorer in Cleveland because...well, who else was going to score? And he did an amazing job while he was there. He is third all-time in career points per game with 27.8, so obviously he can score if he is forced to. But now that he has stars around him, he can play a more natural position of point forward. Think about Lebron running the point with Wade, Mike Miller, Bosh, and Haslem (or pretty much any other human being). He’ll average an easy 22-10-12. As his points decrease and his assists increase, suddenly the public will realize how unselfish of a move it was to give up individual scoring titles to win NBA titles.
3) Apologize to Cleveland. His relationship with Cleveland was basically the script of She’s All That with a more realistic ending. The popular guy asks the plain, beautiful-on-the-inside loner to the prom on a bet. The more they hang out, the more they realize they’re made for each other. As prom night approaches, she thinks they may spend the rest of their lives in each other’s arms. At the prom, Freddie Prince Jr. (Lebron) is announced as prom king and struts on stage to give his speech. This is where the realistic part of the script kicks in. He announces that he has found the love of his life and she is in the audience tonight. As he scans the crowd, he makes eye contact with his date and smiles. “She’s right there,” as he points in her direction. The girl yells out, “I love you too!” Freddie Prince smirks “No, no, no, not you. I was talking about her,” and he points to the hot blonde right behind her.
Freddie Prince broke her heart in front of everyone they know. Lebron broke Cleveland’s heart in front of everyone with a TV. The public always sides with the broken hearted. So, Lebron has to swallow his pride and write a letter of apology to Cleveland as a whole (he can leave out Dan Gilbert if he wants). Cleveland almost certainly won’t accept his apology, but the rest of America will recognize the remorse.
4) Win Championships. TItles make everyone forget about the past. Case in point: Kobe Bryant.
So there you go, Lebron. It only took you three months to ruin your image. If you follow these simple steps, you can redeem yourself within the next nine months.
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