NFL Week 1

I flipped on ESPN in the middle of Chris Berman’s Swami Picks, saw his mustache and laughed uncontrollably. I don’t know the situation surrounding the facial hair. Maybe it’s a joke. Maybe he’s showing solidarity for a friend who just finished undergoing a successful session of chemo and can now grow hair again. (I’m assuming chemotherapy hinders your ability to grow facial hair. This is a question I hope I never know the answer to because 1) I obviously hope I never get cancer and 2) I can’t see a situation where I could ask someone who would know a definitive answer. If I’m talking to someone with cancer, I don’t want to bring up another thing that sucks about the situation. And if I’m talking to a doctor, I don’t want to seem like an idiot. I mean, really, it seems like it’s an obvious answer, but I just don’t know for sure. Of course, this logic didn’t stop me from asking a girl the other day if pregnant women get periods. She just furrowed her eyebrows at me for about 20 seconds then said, “Did you ever hear the phrase ‘I’m late’?” Now it all makes sense.) But maybe he’s serious. And if that’s the case, I just can’t buy in. As a man whose experimented successfully (depends on your definition of success) with facial hair in the past, it kills me to say this, but Boomer missed his facial hair window. He’s been on TV for 30 years clean-shaven. You can’t start now...at least not with a mustache. If he had a beard on and off over the past three decades, fine. Even if he had facial hair for a 2 year span in the early 80’s and it hasn’t made it’s way back since, then it’s OK. But you have to set that precedent. I’ve gone on job interviews with a full grown beard, fully aware that it would hurt my chances on landing the job, just to set this precedent. If you start a job with a beard, you can always shave it. But it’s difficult to go the other way. Even if an employer asked me to shave (which they have), I know I can grow it back 3 years down the road without causing much of a stir. It’s called thinking ahead. Sorry Boomer. You didn’t have the foresight 30 years ago and because of that, when it comes to facial hair, you’re like a pregnant woman. You’re too late. On that note, here are some games I like on opening weekend.

I have no numbers or research to back me up on this, but in week 1, you should always take road teams favored by three points.

Dolphins (minus 3) at Bills

If the Dolphins expect to make the playoffs this year, they have to win games like this. Despite how he looked in the preseason, I believe Chad Henne is going to be a top 10 quarterback in the near future. Plus, this is the first half of the season, so they still have Ronnie Brown.

Packers (minus 3) at Philly

I’ll jump on the bandwagon.

49ers (minus 3) at Seahawks

I really think the Seahawks are going to be one of the worst teams in the league. They have a coach who hasn't succeeded in the pros and they’re obviously revamping their roster midstream with that Housh move. Rebuilding year.

Titans (minus 6.5) vs Raiders

Michael Bush is the best back on the Raiders by far and if he can’t go, they are going to have trouble against a team that can control the clock like Tennessee.

Browns Money Line (+130) at Bucs

Eric Mangini/Mike Holmgren vs. Raheem Morris

Bengals Money Line (+175) at New England

I’ve never been in a car wreck, but everyone always says you start to feel it the next day. I’m getting my money in before Brady realizes he can’t move his neck tomorrow.

Lions (plus 6) at Bears

The Lions and Dolphins are my two picks to improve drastically this year. From what I’ve read about Ndamokoung Suh (sorry if I misspelled that) he should be a game changer. And Jay Cutler makes me appreciate the guy I’m going to talk about next so much more.

Saints (minus 5) vs Vikings

For some reason, I can’t bring myself to root against Brett Favre. I want to so bad, but I just can’t do it. He could beat the Steelers in the Super Bowl the next three years, retire seven more times, kick me in the gonads at each retirement press conference, and, if I ever get married, sleep with my wife, and I wouldn’t root against the guy. Now, I like the Saints tonight and I’m rooting for them to win the game, but I would love to see Favre throw for 300 and 4 TD’s in a losing effort. I can’t explain why, but he has built up so much clout in my mind, that it would take him 20 years of evil deeds to switch to a villain. There is no other current athlete like this. Kobe raped someone too early in his career. Lebron had “The Decision” and the even more infuriating elbow injury in the first round this past year. (He got off way too easy for this. He played the entire game without the elbow being a problem but in the closing seconds, he couldn’t manage to shoot one more free throw with his right hand? He shot the first one right handed and made it. I can see if he would have missed it horribly, but it went in. If he would have shot the second one right handed and missed, no problem. But he wanted that built-in excuse. He wanted the world to know that he was hurt, so when they lost he would have something to blame. Jordan would have never let anyone know he was hurt.) Polamalu is a nice guy and a great player, but he’s not enough of a character to draw much emotion from me. Roethlisberger would be close in the other direction (wouldn’t be able to do enough good to get me to not root against him) if he played on any team other than the Steelers. Jeter would be close, but he plays for the Yankees. Lisa Leslie was always a class act, but she played in the WNBA. JoePa is close if you want to count coaches. But it’s more that he is too fragile physically to perform any single act that would tarnish his legacy that badly and he’s going to die before he can rack up a long enough string of smaller offenses. So anyway, I’ll take the Saints but go Brett Favre.

I'll leave you with this:



Right in the Kisser