1) Please someone, anyone hire Herm Edwards as a coach. Not that I think he’s an excellent, or even qualified, coach. I just don’t want to have to watch him “analyze” games on ESPN anymore. Each segment of his follows the same pattern:
(Obvious statement spoken with an over-emphasized tone) ADRIAN PETERSON CAN RUN THE FOOTBALL!!!!!!
(Long pause while he tries to think of something to back up his statement.)
(Concedes that he can’t come up with anything) HELLO!!!!!
(Even longer pause while he stares at the anchor interviewing him)
(Eventually, the anchor realizes that Herm doesn’t have anything else to say and he/she ends the segment as Herm leans back in his chair with an odd sense of accomplishment) Anchor: Herm Edwards everybody. Thank you Coach.
Sportscenter voice-over promotion guy: Sportscenter, brought to you byyyyyy, Unstoppable: a new thriller starring Denzel Washington.
Watching Herm try to explain a play is like watching Dwight Howard during player introductions. People tell you it’s going to be funny and you want to laugh, but instead it just ends up angering you because you can’t figure out why they tell you it’s funny. It’s not physical humor, it’s not sarcasm, sophomoric humor, observational humor, referenced humor. What is it? Then you realize that it simply isn’t humor.
2) Joe Paterno, please don’t retire. At this point, what the hell? He might as well just stick around until the end. In fact, and I hope this doesn’t happen for a long time, but I’d be disappointed if he didn’t keel over on the football field when it’s his time to go. He’s been a figurehead for the past 5 years now, his assistants do everything football related for the team. They recruit, run film sessions, run practices, and call plays on gameday. JoePa is there as an almost mythical legend. He’s an attraction for the school and there’s nothing wrong with that. Plus, his interviews are becoming increasingly funny and I think we’re only a couple years away from him making a completely inappropriate old man statement in a press conference. Most likely it will be something sexist (the other option would be racist and can’t see Joe going that way) but people will just let it slide because when you reach a certain age, no one expects you to have any inhibitions.
(Speaking of sexism, I’ve been making fun of women’s basketball for as long as I can remember, but I have to admit, I don’t think I had ever actually seen a game. I just kind of assumed it was on par with 8th grade boys basketball. The other night, however, I caught the last 5 minutes of UConn’s loss to Stanford and now I no longer have to assume. Having said that, Maya Moore, according to the announcers, was having one of the worst games of her career but you could still tell, man or woman, she can flat out play ball.)
3) You know those CDs with the sound of waves crashing against the shore that are supposed to help comfort you and induce sleep? I want someone to talk Mike Tomlin into putting out his own line of these CDs. Minus his “Unleash Hell” unfulfilled promise, he never really says anything of consequence in his press conferences, but there’s something about his delivery that I could listen to him talk for hours. Don’t try to tell me Tomlin giving the Thursday Injury report before the Bills game dubbed over the sounds of a summer’s night in the country wouldn’t be a best seller. Just get me a snuggie, a glass of warm milk, and a copy of ‘Soothing Sounds of the Rainforest featuring Mike Tomlin’, and I’m set.
Play these two videos simultaneously and slip into a beautiful slumber:
4) HBO should run at least nine 24/7 series’ over the next year.
24/7: Building a House
24/7: Working on a Farm
24/7: Training for a Marathon
24/7: Evgeni Malkin Learns English
24/7: Making a Hollywood Blockbuster (Which I think would be amazing.)
24/7: Inside the NFL Owner’s/Player’s Union Negotiations
24/7: FIFA Picks the Next World Cup Host
24/7: Pacqiauo-Mayweather (The NFL Owner’s/Player’s Union one might be more likely to happen.)
24/7: Brett Favre On the Prowl (Follows Favre trying to secretly pick up random girls while simultaneously rebuilding his marriage.)
My favorite part of the Pens-Caps series was Pascal Dupuis walking into the training facility, saying “hello” to a couple of guys, then giving Malkin a “F*ck you, Geno” as he walked by. I think there’s a good chance (and I really hope this is the case) that they taught Geno that “f*ck you” is a typical greeting in english. I could just see Geno walking through the streets of Pittsburgh, with kids yelling, “Malkin! Malkin!” and him smiling and responding “Eh, f*ck you” as the kids’ parents shoot him horrified looks.
5) I hope the Knicks tamper with any other team negotiating a sign-and-trade for Carmelo Anthony. Whether or not they get caught is irrelevant to me (because I’m not going to be the one paying the fine), but I’d rather them risk holding off on getting him until the offseason instead of giving up half their team in February. The way they’re progressing, I could certainly see Danillo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, and Spike Lee’s boy, Landry Fields, as the 4th, 5th, and 6th best players on a championship team. However, I couldn’t see Toney Douglas, Timofey Mozgov, and Shawne Williams being 4 through 6 on a title contender, no matter how good the top 3 are. Come on, Knicks. A decade of losing is over. Things are turning around, just stay the course.
After all, 2011 IS A BRAND NEW YEAR!!!!
(Long Pause)
HELLO!!
(Long Pause)
Sportscenter is brought to you byyyyyyy: The new adventure-comedy, Gulliver’s Travels, starring Jack Black.
By the way, I found this video when I was looking for Tomlin presser footage. It's pretty good:
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